CivilPsych Services

Couples

The same fight, again

The argument is rarely about the dishes. It's about what each of you has decided the dishes mean.

Written by Dr. Heath, Ph.D. Neuropsychology, Ph.D. Forensic Psychology. 40+ years of cognitive behavioral work. Reviewed November 2026.

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What's really going on

What people say"We just can't communicate." Usually both people are communicating fine. They are communicating two different meanings.
What's usually happeningOne partner reads an unwashed pan as "you don't respect my time." The other reads the complaint as "nothing I do is ever enough." Each answers the meaning, not the pan, and argues with the partner they built in their head instead of the one in the room. Find the meanings and you can talk about the real thing.

What you might notice

  • You can predict how the argument will go before it starts.
  • You react to small things as if they were big ones.
  • One of you pursues and the other shuts down.
  • You keep score.
  • You have stopped bringing things up because it isn't worth the fight.

How we work on it

The same method every time: find the thought, test it, practice a better one.

  1. Slow one fight downWe take a recent argument apart, moment by moment.
  2. Find each meaningWhat each of you decided the other person's words or actions meant.
  3. Check them against the factsIncluding asking your partner, which most couples skip.
  4. Practice the new version at homeEach week ends with one thing to try before the next session.

Questions

Couples therapy or Relationship Rescue?

Couples therapy is for partners who live in Arkansas or Missouri. Relationship Rescue is a structured coaching program open to couples anywhere in the United States by live video.

What if my partner won't come?

Change still starts with one person. Individual sessions can work on your side of the pattern.

Do you take sides?

No. Both people have meanings worth checking.

Do you work with couples before marriage?

Yes. Premarital counseling is part of my couples work. It is easier to sort out the meanings you each bring before they harden into the same old fight.

Next

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